Low on fares, but plenty of hassle. 1st February 2008

We should all give ourselves a pat on the back for managing to make it through what is officially the rubbish-est month of the year. January is the 31 days during which all Christmas-cheer fades, credit card bills roll in, New Year resolutions are dishearteningly abandoned and everybody heads back to work.
It’s enough to make you want to escape from it all and, to make that decision easier, Ryanair launched another sale. Whilst I have some ethics regarding carbon footprints and whatnot, I also love an excuse (any excuse!) to jump on a cheap flight for a weekend’s “pinting” with my buddies in York.A mate kindly volunteered to pick me up from the airport in East Midlands because it’s handy and cheap to fly there from Derry. Or so I thought...The adult fare from Derry to East Midlands is advertised as £0.01 on the Ryanair website. Happy Days! You can’t get much cheaper than that.The next-cheapest fare for any item/object/service in the world is just 1p less - and that doesn’t count as a fare because it’s free.So, a flight from Derry to East Midlands is LITERALLY the cheapest thing it is possible to buy in sterling.When I clicked on the next screen the Taxes, Fees and Charges were quoted as £9.99 and the total cost of the flight bounced up to £10. Ten pounds is one thousand times the price of 1p but, for a flight to England, it’s still great value.But then things started to get a little messy.‘Would you like to check-in at the airport and bring a bag?’ Well, it makes sense to bring a bag since I can’t carry any toileteries on-board that are bigger than a solitary squeeze of toothpaste. I plan on being away for more than an afternoon so a blast of deoderant and a splash of aftershave wouldn’t go amiss.If I want to check in a bag it means that I HAVE to check-in at the airport and so I clicked “yes”.All of a sudden, the seemingly obvious decision to bring a bag and check-in at the airport had cost me an extra nine quid.‘Would you like to be one of the first passengers to board the plane?’ Despite the risk of being stuck in a window seat with zero leg room I opted for “no”. The flight only takes an hour and I’m as hard as nails so
I figured I could stick it out for that length of time.But then I started thinking: what if the flight is delayed and the plane is left sitting on the runway all day? That would be a nightmare at the best of times, but with NO leg room!? To avert that potential disaster I decided to stump up the cash. It’s only an extra £3 and I get to have my choice of a lovely aisle seat and straighten my legs (well, one of them anyway).The website assumed that I wanted to buy travel insurance at an extra cost of £5.50. I disagreed.I am happy to take my chances so I clicked on ‘No travel insurance required‘.I took a little look at the travel insurance policy for nosiness sake. It only covers the loss or damage to single items up to £150 so laptops and fancy watches or iPODs won’t be covered. It is also necessary to have proof of purchase for such items and proof that they belong to you.
That means you can kiss goodbye to compensation for all Christmas and birthday presents unless you provide receipts and in-store CCTV footage of your friend or relative buying the goods.Sense of impending doomI entered my personal details and tried to move on to the next screen but was temporarily stopped in my tracks. Things appeared ominous: “You have not included travel insurance with your flight reservation. Ryanair strongly recommends that all passengers travelling purchase suitable travel insurance cover.”It sounded like they knew something I didn’t. Ryanair don’t just recommend travel insurance, they “strongly” recommend it. The sense of impending doom could only have been added to if they had finished the “strong” recommendation with a dreaded “...”I convinced myself that they were just bluffing and that I would be grand. I stayed strong and
again told them I wasn’t interested.After all that, I finally made it to the last screen and the reasonable price of 19 quid one way. Reasonable - but still 1,900 times more than they initially said it would cost.I was relieved that all that was left to do was to enter my payment details and then psyche myself up for the weekend. I clicked on card payment and...Bam! An extra three pounds was added for a ‘handling fee’. I was exasperated and knackered after all the mental trauma but could take no more and just paid up.Twenty two pounds is a good price for a trip to England but the way Ryanair squeeze every last pound out of their customers is infuriating. And I’m not convinced they are finished with me yet. In fact, It wouldn’t surprise me if I was landed with a surcharge at the airport for having stubble and the cheek to wear a coat! Still, at least it’s not January anymore.